Going on a Date with a Guy I Cannot Be With

After a morning walk at the nature reserve and a hearty lunch at the shopping mall, Sun and I sat down again to share two scoops of gelato ice cream.

That’s when he quipped: “Remember the first thing that you said after we’ve just met? ‘Let’s go eat breakfast.’ And I thought to myself: Woah, this girl is controlling!”

Perhaps dominant is a better word, I thought, but I get his point. Girls seldom give directions on their first date. Perhaps, I should have instead asked Sun if he had rested well, or had eaten breakfast, then gently prod him to suggest the place for breakfast if he hadn’t.

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And then this. Even this would be deemed more ladylike.

“Actually, I was trying to get the date over and done with, so I wasn’t seeking any kind of connection at that point,” I told him.

“Ah, that makes sense now,” he said, and we both laughed.

Previously, I had come out to him during our walk and told him that I only went on the date due to parental pressures.

He was taken aback for a moment, but was quick to express that he understood my plight and respected my decision.

That’s when we started to truly open up to each other about our past and present. I even had the audacity to gush about Bear. To my relief, he seemed more curious than offended. The date was no longer a battle of wits. There were no more attempts to charm or to impress. We were just mirroring each other’s transparency. There was nothing to lose and nothing to gain.

Our sightseeing trail felt more lighthearted from that point as we chatted away and photographed some of the cuddliest woodland and marshland critters that awaited us.

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“It did sting a little the minute you told me the truth,” Sun recalled afterwards. “But I am glad that you had told me early, and it’s still a pleasure to meet you.”

He revealed that he had taken a fancy to a lesbian before, despite the latter dropping hints that she was not into him (or guys in general). Before he knew it, he was head over heels in love, and on the day he finally mustered up his courage to confess his love (he even brought roses!), she confessed her sexuality.

I too am glad that he did not have to go through all that again. Not with me at least.

We tend to think that rejections are brutal and hurtful to the ego. The feeling of defeat might be especially strong if we had gone on a date with the very intention of seeking a partner or soulmate. It sucks to have goals unachieved. It also sucks to know that the other party whom you’re interested in is just not into you, and sometimes it’s not even your fault.

I told Sun that he was a very sweet, caring and understanding guy. In other words, he’s “Mr Nice Guy” and a perfect gentleman.

He forced a smile: “Perhaps too “nice” though.  Guys like me get friendzoned a lot, cos you know, girls are probably attracted to the bad boys, the kind who’s a little mean and mischievous.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I’m sure a lot of girls would appreciate your type. You just haven’t met the right one yet,” I said. To be fair, it’s not like he has dated a lot of girls till this date. (Pun unintended)

“Besides, I didn’t reject you because you’re too nice, but because I’ve got my girlfriend. That makes me very blind and oblivious to the other fish in the sea,” I added.

It was a partial white lie though.

Of course I noticed his positive traits. I even tried to picture how life would be like if I had dated him instead. Perhaps it wouldn’t be absolutely worry-free, but I do think I might end up shedding less tears. Or maybe that’s just because I’d feel dead inside. To be honest, I don’t know.

Bear told me that Sun is someone whom I could slowly grow attracted to. I personally see him as a great talking partner with just the right amount of compassion and maturity. Could I get increasingly attached to him after more sessions of private interactions? Most probably, though I am not sure if that equates to attraction.

Maybe, I might also come to realize that even with great emotional compatibility, no sparks would fly when I hold his hand, and I wouldn’t feel tiny volcanoes erupting inside me as we kiss (like how I felt with Bear).

Though Sun already feels like a good friend near the end of our first date, I might not be able to love him with half the ferocity with which I love Bear.

And that sums up my first date with Sun, a very nice guy whom I cannot be with.

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